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Capes On the Couch - Where Comics Get Counseling

Aug 11, 2021

  • Intro
  • Background (1:45)

  • Background (1:45)
    • 5 created by Gerard Way & Gabriel Ba in The Umbrella Academy: The Apocalypse Suite #1 (Date)
    • The Umbrella Academy is about a team of superpowered children
    • All around the world, children are born to women who previously showed no signs of pregnancy - the children are all adopted by Dr. Reginald Hargreeves, a wealthy philanthropist (and secretly an alien), to create a team - 7 of the children ultimately survive, all identified by numbers instead of names
    • 5 is able to travel through time, but only forwards - he arrives in a post-apocalyptic world, and spends 45 years figuring out how to return
    • When he does, he is reverted to his 10 year old body, and is then incapable of aging or growing
    • He arrives shortly after Dr. Hargreeves’ death, and reveals to the estranged team that the world ends 3 days after the death - he has to reunite the team, who had been apart for 9 years
    • Works with #1, aka Spaceboy, to help lead the team - they end up fighting #7, who turns out to be the most powerful member of the team after she is experimented on by evil musicians - #5 shoots her in the head, leaving her paralyzed but alive
    • In the second volume, it’s revealed that #5 was experimented on in the future, and had DNA from history’s greatest killers grafted into his body, making him the perfect assassin
    • He was designed to prevent aberrations in the timestream, and then was sent back to help kill JFK - the “old” one has to kill all other assassins attempting to kill Kennedy so the “young” one can do the job - JFK ultimately ends up killed by #3, aka Rumor - also revealed that #5 and #1 are twin brothers
    • Vol. 3 - Hotel Oblivion - neither of us have read it :( 

  • Issues (6:04)
    • Detached from humanity because of spending 50 years alone
    • An adult in a child’s body - dysmorphia (12:50)
    • Unhealthy coping mechanisms (18:12)
  • Break (24:08)
  • Treatment (26:07)
    • In-universe - Lean into the temporal paradox of his life
    • Out of universe - (33:30)
  • Skit (42:18)
    • Hello 5, I’m Dr. Issues. - Good afternoon Doctor.
    • I must confess that in all my years of experience and all my patients, I’ve never dealt with one quite as young as you. - I wouldn’t consider this a deviation from the norm. Despite my appearance, I’m actually 60 years old. 
    • Really? - The curse of my abilities. I traveled ahead in time, spent 50 years figuring out how to get back, and when I returned discovered my body had returned to the state it was when I first jumped. Not only that, I cannot age. So I’m stuck in this prepubescent body permanently.
    • Oh my. - As you can imagine, it hasn’t exactly been the best time for me.
    • I see. So, uh, 5… do you have another name I can use? - Yes, but unfortunately it’s long been forgotten. It doesn’t matter. There’s no one worthwhile who would use it anyway.
    • Well I would like to think - And that’s where you’re wrong. It’s ultimately futile, Doctor, because all of this discussion is an attempt to think the unthinkable, undo what can’t be undone, unless I’ve already thought and done it.
    • You’re literally talking in circles. -Living in circles, yes.
    • Must you correct every phrase? -No, but when I don’t, there’s nobody else around to do it for me, so it might as well be me.
    • What is it that you want, really? You talk as if you already have all of the answers. -Not all of them, just more than most. Maybe I want a little more.
    • That’s a common problem. Hedonistic adaptation. -Hard to be hedonistic when everyone sees your appearance as a cherub.
    • I wouldn’t go that far. -I would. I HAVE. I use...this...and I have to drown my past in booze sometimes because nobody believes a little boy has done what I’ve done.
    • Well...what have you done? -Kill.
    • Oh, I’m sorry. -A lot.
    •, still sorry? -...Not sure you should be. Some deserved it. Hopefully all. But I’m realistic. Played the odds.
    • And how do you feel about the innocents you’ve killed? - It is what it is. Collateral damage, so to speak.
    • That’s an awfully callous way to describe murder. - I wouldn’t know. The people that asked me to kill for them didn’t see a problem with it. I actually thought I talked it out pretty good with myself when I had some alone time.
    • When was that? -Twenty years into the future before I knew I had to get back to the past.
    • I...uh...that’s… -No need to stammer. I’ll move on
    • NO! I apologize, I’m willing to admit when I need clarification on something. I get the gist of your time travel, but what did you see that made you want to go back? Clearly it wasn’t good. -That’s where the “talking to myself” part comes in. I was young, so I don’t really know if I understood, other than it was bad. Then I got to think about it later, and I realized it was the worst possible outcome for everyone involved. I screwed up trying to get back so many times. Any problems now are like a fart in the wind.
    • So you saw a bad future, and come back to a young age, despite being older, and do a lot of killing along the must have some impressive coping mechanisms to even be able to talk about this so candidly. -I’m not going to argue with you about that. But everybody has their own style, you know? The ones I hang around with, we’re considered freaks of nature.
    • Far be it for me to put a damper on your… extracurricular activities, but surely you can appreciate value in SOMEthing other than that. - I have a cute little puppy.
    • Wonderful! I’d love to hear all abou -he’s the greatest thing he has such a cute droopy thing he does with his ear he likes to get his head scratched all the time he would chase a ball for hours and sometimes I fake throwing it or a replace it with a grenade so he can learn to sniff gunpowder and then I give his old ball back and I think I feed him too much but he whimpers when I miss food time his name is Mr. Pennycrumb…*breathes heavily*
    • Whoa. In such a brief period of time you showed more emotional range than with any other serious topic you’ve discussed so far. Would you like more of that? -Yes please.
    • ***awkward pause***You don’t have to say please. Um...well then, I guess our goal is to help broaden your emotional spectrum while reconnecting -Close enough.
    • So shall I expect you in a future session? - Were I a man who considered such things, I’d appreciate that play on words. As it stands I simply acknowledge it and say that we will see each other again.
  • Ending (47:55)
    • Recommended reading: Vol 2: Dallas
    • Next episodes: Jim Gordon Jr., Crystal, Emma Frost
    • Plugs for social


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